Are our personal lives welcome at work?

Yes, says Patrick Lencioni, the well-known team management guru. In fact, Lencioni says that if you aren’t known by the person you work for, you cannot love your work.

As humans, we deserve to be known by our leaders and they know us by taking a genuine interest in our lives, both professionally and personally.  But so many leaders believe it’s not their place to talk to people about their personal lives, but Lencioni disagrees. He says, “That’s an excuse for not doing something that is one of the most fundamental premises of being a manager."

So let me tell you a story about how my manager's interest in my personal life led to my 14-year marriage.  

My ex-boss, Nicola Atkinson would be surprised to hear it put this way because I am not sure that I have ever really thanked her or expressed to her what a vital role she played in my relationship.

It was the connection, trust, and ‘love’ that I felt from Nicola that had me spill the beans on my love life.

A bit of background 

I had recently moved to Sydney on secondment to work more closely with Nicola. She had taken the chance on me when I was transitioning from a legal career to learning and development. From the very beginning, Nicola was a cheerleader of my strengths and a supporter of my experiments. Nicola was always open to hearing my ideas and supporting me to try new things. She was based in Sydney, and I was based in Perth, and this was in the early 2000s so most of our conversations were on the phone. In addition to backing me up in my role, she also showed interest in my life more holistically. She was keen to understand my interests, my career aspirations, and my goals. This interest led to her creating an opportunity for me to be seconded to the Sydney office to broaden my work experience into people capability and employee experience.

The romantic twist 

So, I packed my bags ready to start a new career chapter in Sydney. I only had one more thing I needed to do before I moved there – attend a friend’s wedding in Melbourne. Long story short, that wedding led to me starting a romantic relationship with my now husband. He lived in Melbourne, and I was about to move from Perth to Sydney. We thought this could actually work – it wouldn’t be ‘so’ long distance.

But wait, there is trauma 

I moved to Sydney with a brand-new romance and a backdrop of generational trauma about marriages. I was cautious about this relationship because it felt like it might be the one. So naturally I was mostly sabotaging it before it had even begun. I was holding to a passing comment I heard my grandmother tell my mum when I was 7 years old, “all women in our family are cursed to have bad marriages’. And I had evidence to support that. My grandma, my mum, her sisters all had failed and at times abusive marriages. My grandma was simply telling the truth and, in my mind, I was thankful she warned me.

Where Nicola comes to the rescue 

A month into the relationship and living and working in Sydney, I was ready to break it off and continue my single yet safe life. But my heart and gut were telling me that I was wrong to give this up. This man was too special. But I broke it off anyway. I was devastated and Nicola cared enough to notice. She asked me how I was, and I told her. She listened, really listened, and then asked me if I would consider seeing a spiritual healer.

A spiritual what...?

What is that? I asked. My religious upbringing was warning me to watch out for woo woo energy. Nicola explained and then gave me the spiritual healer’s contact card. She didn’t push, she simply offered an option.

I was desperate and heartbroken, so I took the card and made the appointment. Turning up to see that spiritual healer was akin to Neo meeting with Morpheus in the Matrix. I followed the white rabbit (thanks to Nicola). The spiritual healer was my first experience of inside out change. I still can’t really tell you what she did, but she knew things she couldn’t possibly know about me, my life, my past and my now husband. She also actively worked with me to let go of long held beliefs, fears and assumptions. A few sessions in and I was on a plane ready to declare my love and beg my now husband to take me back. He did. And we just celebrated our 14 years wedding anniversary.

So how is this a work love story? 

It's a work love story because as Lencioni reminds us, knowing our team, both professional and personally is a manager's most fundamental duty. It drives motivation, care and love for our work. 

So, how well do you know your people if you’re a manager of people and how well are you willing to be known by them? It also takes vulnerability to allow yourself to be known. Nicola didn’t just show interest in my life, she also let me know her. To know and be known, we take a first step towards bringing love to our work.

To know and be known, we take a first step towards bringing love to our work relationships. 

Love in Action at Work 

If my work love story resonates, you may be starting to think of practical and non cringy ways to get to know your people better and have them know you.

Below are 3 fun and practical things you could try at work. While it’s always easier and stickier if leaders kick these off, there is no reason why it can’t be suggested by anyone at work. That is the power of love at work, it doesn’t have an owner. We can all be love at work champions.

1. Organise a PechaKucha 20x20 gathering – PechaKucha stands for chit-chat in Japanese. It is a storytelling format in which a presenter (you and members of your team) show 20 slides for 20 seconds of commentary each and roughly 6 mins per person. The topic is YOU. Find out more about this neat way of telling our stories here

2. Ask each other good questions and enjoy conversations that matter – One of my favourite question deck are We Connect Cards. The questions come in three different colours that step up the depth of the conversation. You can find out more about them at www.weand.me You can use them to connect in meetings, 1:1 conversations as well as team days, offsites and conferences. My husband and I often take them with us on our date nights. We continue to learn new things about each other, even after 14 years of marriage! 

3. Swap values – Sharing our values with our team is a powerful way to connect and form the trust to navigate important conversations and make tricky decisions at work. Our values drive us from the inside out so it’s important that we take the time to learn each other’s and commit to bringing them up when we face challenges at work. If you would like to learn a short yet powerful way to elicit values quickly, email me at [email protected] and I will share the process with you. 

Let's connect, please email me, schedule a 15-min call or connect via LinkedIn.

With love,

Jasmine